Who are you?

As I get older and look back on some of the things I've done, I always realize one thing and that is how I was never truly me. I always found myself trying to be in the "in" crowd and follow whatever they did even if it affected my health, or my life in general it was just all about being that guy people thought was cool and would want to hangout with. I would go from girl to girl say the same things to them, try talking to 2 girls at once thinking the other wont know but eventually found out. I was stupid I was a regular teenage kid. This even went on until I was a little past 20. Then it hit me and I thought is this really who I am? I thought about it and It wasn't who I truly was. I was always so caught up in looking for attention and being that guy everyone likes when I was just making myself look like an idiot. I want to just talk about how I feel people get caught up in what I was caught up in a lot of times specially the teenagers and I understand it's about social dominance but where will that get anyone in the long run? Everybody is different from appearance, to looks, to personalities. Why try and be the be the same as someone else ? We should all be our own person do what makes us happy, to dig deep down inside of yourself and find what makes you happy and makes you unique. And for us to except each other for who they are and what they want, to try and stop putting others in situations in things they wouldn't usually do. I find that I believe more people would be happy if they didn't consume themselves with being the person others would want to hangout with for the wrong reasons but to be themselves and want people to hangout and be their friend for the right reasons. And for girls now a days who feel like they need to lower their self-esteem and degrade themselves to get a boy to like you is none sense or to even be liked. If a guy doesn't like you for who you are and the personality that you have no way are they worth a minuet of your time because some where out there, there's a guy willing to accept you for exactly who you are and want to be and to help you reach your goals in life and be there through the bad and good and not want you when it's convenient for them. I used to be a guy myself who didn't truly respect girls for who they are and I got a wake up call. So to all you guys respect girls, and if you have a girlfriend make sure they are your first priority and treat them right because if not they won't stick around. We all need to treat each other right as well as being our own person and not something someone wants us to be. Be unique, be you.

A crazy way

I question why me? Why do I have to suffer from a disease and so many others why some people have it so good as in being musically talented or being great at a sport and so on. I suffer and they are healthy and live a life I wish of having. But I thought about it, I may not be famous but I do have an impact on peoples lives. I can make a difference maybe not to the world but to some people. When I think about this it makes my life that much more important it makes me want to live forever. I don't have millions of dollars I don't have an amazing voice nor I'm I really good at a sport but I am good at making people laugh and smile. This life isn't all about money or being famous. If you can change someones life that is worth everything specially too me. I love everyone In my life for giving me everything I can ask for which is love all that I ever will need and be rich in.

We are who we are

Its so hard to believe I honestly made it this far in my life. So many uphill battles, so many obstacles. Living a normal life really never seemed to possible but I always tried making the best of it even though that sure made me slack at times on my medicines. People tell me a lot that they couldn't be as strong as I am but If you asked me a couple years ago I don't think I would be able to say I would be able to. But we all need to be strong when times call for it. I have been more then lucky to have amazing friends and family to give me a lot of the strength I have and to keep me positive and push me. My story is similar to many others though. I was only a few months old when I was diagnosed and at times it was hard being small and spending weeks in the hospital 2 hours away from my family and as I got older it got worst. When my dad and mom switched off to stay with me I would cry my eyes out seeing one of them leaving me. I formed strong bonds with my parents when I was little and spending so much time in the hospital. I also made many friends but some were worst then me and didn't make it. Soon hospitals started finding out about cross contamination between CF patients and that they shouldn't be enclosed in places together. As I have grown I have had times were I shouldn't of made it but with the strength my family and friends had and gave me I seem to fight through. Hospital stays were frequent through my high school years being ever 3 months and I was back in needing IV antibiotics and be on those for several weeks which made me miss out on many activities with either my school or friends, this led me into a depression and a serious one, but yet again my family and friends stepped up and helped me through rough times. I now can say I'm doing a lot better mentally and health wise. In a couple weeks I will be 21 years old and what a mile stone in such a long hard fought battle so far for all my friends and family. I will never give up the fight and I will always do my best to help others fight a hard fight. No disease is worst then another because no one should suffer but things like this make people like me stronger and more appreciative of what I have in my life. Don't ever give up hope, don't ever stop fighting.

What I would give.

I wish for just a minuet the world could just stop and I could really just take in the past 20 years of my life. I have had a great upbringing by wonderful parents. I have had my shares of doing wrong and right learning from mistakes, from hurting others to getting hurt and from seeing good and bad from personal situations and also throughout the world as a whole. 20 years I have learned so much from so many and It makes me realize how fast the years are really going. I want to just remember the times when I was young with no worries to the first time I stepped into Pre K and met other kids I will know and bond with through the next 8 years of my life who made a huge impact in my life as well. I want to remember my 8th grade year where my bond with classmates were as strong as ever as we graduated. I want to relive me first day of high school and how it was a whole new world and experience with meeting so many new great people who later will become a huge part of your life. I want to relive all the pride weeks and all the moments with close friends. These are the times I feel so lucky to have been able to do all the these things and to have met the people I have. I now look into my future and I'm confused as to where I will be in my life or what I will be doing. But I do know I make my own destiny and I can make a successful future maybe not by having all the money in the world but by being happy. But I am in the present and I'm confused about what direction to take my life but I know that the strength of my heart and a strong mindset I will be where I want to be. These are the years we live to look at our life from the past to the future but with every negative thing you always need to look at the positive and still the pictures of your greatest times in your heart and mind to never be replaced or stolen because years from now when you look back and think of those times all the positive things in life will out weigh the negative.

Awhile

Well it's been awhile since I have posted on here, so I figured I would tonight. To start off I can't sleep mainly because I have so many things running through my head. I finished my first year of college and well It made me miss high school. I miss just knowing everyone and just having that connection with teachers that you have had for four years. Change gets harder as you get older and while I see people say they just want to be done with high school or wish they could just be older I must say don't wish these things to happen so quickly you will miss it. Getting older means more responsibility. Another thing that has been floating around in my mind is how things are just that much more difficult for people with chronic illnesses. You find school to get harder while trying to balance doing medicines 2 or 3 times a day and also managing work everyday and also trying to find a bit of social time with that and for some people a relationship, that's a lot of stuff for anyone. but ill just have to adapt to these changes and start doing what I need to do. I keep wanting to move out but I then realize how hard that's going to be right now with only a part time job, but that independence that you gain makes you feel better, specially when you have so little due to having a disease that restricts you so much. Having any disease is like a having a chain ball on you're an ankle. On a brighter note I'm also starting to realize how great my friends and family are. I truly have such a big appreciation for them and all they have done for me. This getting old deal is tiring but it also makes you look at things in a whole new outlook. Change is inevitable, just need to flow with it. And maturity helps you really find out who you are. Remember everyone we all have a little kid in us still don't forget to let it out once in awhile and really enjoy moments in you're life. And no matter where life takes you as you grow keep you're dreams alive.

The big day

So I'm going to be 20 years old. Some people will say 21 is the big one and i agree! BUT in my case and a lot of other people who deal with things like i do or worst every year is big. 20 is bigger then past birthdays because 20 means i have fought one of the hardest battles to fight and thats living with a terminal illness. But see the thing is no way would i have ever even come this close without the support of my family and friends. This Thursday I dedicate my celebration of life to all of you as well because without the kindness and hope and prayers and support you have given me i would not be here and thats a fact not an opinion. For all the people i have ever hurt i really am sorry and this is me truly apologizing. And for all the people who think " I wonder if i have ever made a difference in someones life" well you have, you gave me a reason to fight and get out of bed for 20 years and still going. I love every single one of you more then words or actions will ever say. Truly i thank all of you so much.

Where would I be without you two?

This blog is for me to recognize two people who have went above and beyond for me my whole life. The first is my mother. My mom has helped me so much already of my 19 years of life. When I have any kind of doubt my mom is the first to tell me to never give up and follow my heart and do what I want to do, to live my life the way I want to live it and never doubted me....ever, even when she knew the odd's were against me. I know we always never agreed on thing's and have had our rough times, but I would never replace my mother for any other Lady out there. She is my force that drives me, I love you mom. I may not be the best in telling you how much you mean to me all the time but you mean more then words can describe, what I'm writing now doesn't even seem enough. I know it's hard for us to ever talk about it and I don't know my plan for this life but I know that until my last breath I will never forget everything you taught me and told me. I will always be you little baby, I may not see you as much as I like but I will always love you with my entire heart. Thank you for everything mom.

The second person who has always been there is my father. I don't have the best memories but I remember some of the best times and those were the ones with my dad. I remember when we went go carting by our house and we got in the paper, or when we went to Disney land for my make a wish and of course when he would take me camping for week or even when he took me to my uncles cottage to fish. My dad taught me everything a man should know, he taught me to respect other people and to be kind, and to be the best man I can be no matter the situation. My dad has gone above and beyond helping me with my medicines and making sure I get the best of care. I love you dad. You have more then succeeded in my book as a father, a hero, a best friend. I know that we get into it sometimes and get mad but I know it's because you want the best for me because I'm your little guy. I wouldn't want it any other way, I'll always be your little guy. I know if I get the chance to have kids and be a father myself I know everything you taught me will make me the best man I can be. I hope my children look up to me as me, Sean, and Danny do. I know I don't thank you enough for everything you have done specially kicking my ass to do my medicines, But I am more thankful then you will ever understand dad.

Mom and Dad I truly love you both more then anything. Your my back bone and my hero's and always will be. No matter what happens we will always be together. We will always be a family. Thank you both for giving me the best.