Who are you?

As I get older and look back on some of the things I've done, I always realize one thing and that is how I was never truly me. I always found myself trying to be in the "in" crowd and follow whatever they did even if it affected my health, or my life in general it was just all about being that guy people thought was cool and would want to hangout with. I would go from girl to girl say the same things to them, try talking to 2 girls at once thinking the other wont know but eventually found out. I was stupid I was a regular teenage kid. This even went on until I was a little past 20. Then it hit me and I thought is this really who I am? I thought about it and It wasn't who I truly was. I was always so caught up in looking for attention and being that guy everyone likes when I was just making myself look like an idiot. I want to just talk about how I feel people get caught up in what I was caught up in a lot of times specially the teenagers and I understand it's about social dominance but where will that get anyone in the long run? Everybody is different from appearance, to looks, to personalities. Why try and be the be the same as someone else ? We should all be our own person do what makes us happy, to dig deep down inside of yourself and find what makes you happy and makes you unique. And for us to except each other for who they are and what they want, to try and stop putting others in situations in things they wouldn't usually do. I find that I believe more people would be happy if they didn't consume themselves with being the person others would want to hangout with for the wrong reasons but to be themselves and want people to hangout and be their friend for the right reasons. And for girls now a days who feel like they need to lower their self-esteem and degrade themselves to get a boy to like you is none sense or to even be liked. If a guy doesn't like you for who you are and the personality that you have no way are they worth a minuet of your time because some where out there, there's a guy willing to accept you for exactly who you are and want to be and to help you reach your goals in life and be there through the bad and good and not want you when it's convenient for them. I used to be a guy myself who didn't truly respect girls for who they are and I got a wake up call. So to all you guys respect girls, and if you have a girlfriend make sure they are your first priority and treat them right because if not they won't stick around. We all need to treat each other right as well as being our own person and not something someone wants us to be. Be unique, be you.

A crazy way

I question why me? Why do I have to suffer from a disease and so many others why some people have it so good as in being musically talented or being great at a sport and so on. I suffer and they are healthy and live a life I wish of having. But I thought about it, I may not be famous but I do have an impact on peoples lives. I can make a difference maybe not to the world but to some people. When I think about this it makes my life that much more important it makes me want to live forever. I don't have millions of dollars I don't have an amazing voice nor I'm I really good at a sport but I am good at making people laugh and smile. This life isn't all about money or being famous. If you can change someones life that is worth everything specially too me. I love everyone In my life for giving me everything I can ask for which is love all that I ever will need and be rich in.

We are who we are

Its so hard to believe I honestly made it this far in my life. So many uphill battles, so many obstacles. Living a normal life really never seemed to possible but I always tried making the best of it even though that sure made me slack at times on my medicines. People tell me a lot that they couldn't be as strong as I am but If you asked me a couple years ago I don't think I would be able to say I would be able to. But we all need to be strong when times call for it. I have been more then lucky to have amazing friends and family to give me a lot of the strength I have and to keep me positive and push me. My story is similar to many others though. I was only a few months old when I was diagnosed and at times it was hard being small and spending weeks in the hospital 2 hours away from my family and as I got older it got worst. When my dad and mom switched off to stay with me I would cry my eyes out seeing one of them leaving me. I formed strong bonds with my parents when I was little and spending so much time in the hospital. I also made many friends but some were worst then me and didn't make it. Soon hospitals started finding out about cross contamination between CF patients and that they shouldn't be enclosed in places together. As I have grown I have had times were I shouldn't of made it but with the strength my family and friends had and gave me I seem to fight through. Hospital stays were frequent through my high school years being ever 3 months and I was back in needing IV antibiotics and be on those for several weeks which made me miss out on many activities with either my school or friends, this led me into a depression and a serious one, but yet again my family and friends stepped up and helped me through rough times. I now can say I'm doing a lot better mentally and health wise. In a couple weeks I will be 21 years old and what a mile stone in such a long hard fought battle so far for all my friends and family. I will never give up the fight and I will always do my best to help others fight a hard fight. No disease is worst then another because no one should suffer but things like this make people like me stronger and more appreciative of what I have in my life. Don't ever give up hope, don't ever stop fighting.

What I would give.

I wish for just a minuet the world could just stop and I could really just take in the past 20 years of my life. I have had a great upbringing by wonderful parents. I have had my shares of doing wrong and right learning from mistakes, from hurting others to getting hurt and from seeing good and bad from personal situations and also throughout the world as a whole. 20 years I have learned so much from so many and It makes me realize how fast the years are really going. I want to just remember the times when I was young with no worries to the first time I stepped into Pre K and met other kids I will know and bond with through the next 8 years of my life who made a huge impact in my life as well. I want to remember my 8th grade year where my bond with classmates were as strong as ever as we graduated. I want to relive me first day of high school and how it was a whole new world and experience with meeting so many new great people who later will become a huge part of your life. I want to relive all the pride weeks and all the moments with close friends. These are the times I feel so lucky to have been able to do all the these things and to have met the people I have. I now look into my future and I'm confused as to where I will be in my life or what I will be doing. But I do know I make my own destiny and I can make a successful future maybe not by having all the money in the world but by being happy. But I am in the present and I'm confused about what direction to take my life but I know that the strength of my heart and a strong mindset I will be where I want to be. These are the years we live to look at our life from the past to the future but with every negative thing you always need to look at the positive and still the pictures of your greatest times in your heart and mind to never be replaced or stolen because years from now when you look back and think of those times all the positive things in life will out weigh the negative.

Awhile

Well it's been awhile since I have posted on here, so I figured I would tonight. To start off I can't sleep mainly because I have so many things running through my head. I finished my first year of college and well It made me miss high school. I miss just knowing everyone and just having that connection with teachers that you have had for four years. Change gets harder as you get older and while I see people say they just want to be done with high school or wish they could just be older I must say don't wish these things to happen so quickly you will miss it. Getting older means more responsibility. Another thing that has been floating around in my mind is how things are just that much more difficult for people with chronic illnesses. You find school to get harder while trying to balance doing medicines 2 or 3 times a day and also managing work everyday and also trying to find a bit of social time with that and for some people a relationship, that's a lot of stuff for anyone. but ill just have to adapt to these changes and start doing what I need to do. I keep wanting to move out but I then realize how hard that's going to be right now with only a part time job, but that independence that you gain makes you feel better, specially when you have so little due to having a disease that restricts you so much. Having any disease is like a having a chain ball on you're an ankle. On a brighter note I'm also starting to realize how great my friends and family are. I truly have such a big appreciation for them and all they have done for me. This getting old deal is tiring but it also makes you look at things in a whole new outlook. Change is inevitable, just need to flow with it. And maturity helps you really find out who you are. Remember everyone we all have a little kid in us still don't forget to let it out once in awhile and really enjoy moments in you're life. And no matter where life takes you as you grow keep you're dreams alive.

The big day

So I'm going to be 20 years old. Some people will say 21 is the big one and i agree! BUT in my case and a lot of other people who deal with things like i do or worst every year is big. 20 is bigger then past birthdays because 20 means i have fought one of the hardest battles to fight and thats living with a terminal illness. But see the thing is no way would i have ever even come this close without the support of my family and friends. This Thursday I dedicate my celebration of life to all of you as well because without the kindness and hope and prayers and support you have given me i would not be here and thats a fact not an opinion. For all the people i have ever hurt i really am sorry and this is me truly apologizing. And for all the people who think " I wonder if i have ever made a difference in someones life" well you have, you gave me a reason to fight and get out of bed for 20 years and still going. I love every single one of you more then words or actions will ever say. Truly i thank all of you so much.

Where would I be without you two?

This blog is for me to recognize two people who have went above and beyond for me my whole life. The first is my mother. My mom has helped me so much already of my 19 years of life. When I have any kind of doubt my mom is the first to tell me to never give up and follow my heart and do what I want to do, to live my life the way I want to live it and never doubted me....ever, even when she knew the odd's were against me. I know we always never agreed on thing's and have had our rough times, but I would never replace my mother for any other Lady out there. She is my force that drives me, I love you mom. I may not be the best in telling you how much you mean to me all the time but you mean more then words can describe, what I'm writing now doesn't even seem enough. I know it's hard for us to ever talk about it and I don't know my plan for this life but I know that until my last breath I will never forget everything you taught me and told me. I will always be you little baby, I may not see you as much as I like but I will always love you with my entire heart. Thank you for everything mom.

The second person who has always been there is my father. I don't have the best memories but I remember some of the best times and those were the ones with my dad. I remember when we went go carting by our house and we got in the paper, or when we went to Disney land for my make a wish and of course when he would take me camping for week or even when he took me to my uncles cottage to fish. My dad taught me everything a man should know, he taught me to respect other people and to be kind, and to be the best man I can be no matter the situation. My dad has gone above and beyond helping me with my medicines and making sure I get the best of care. I love you dad. You have more then succeeded in my book as a father, a hero, a best friend. I know that we get into it sometimes and get mad but I know it's because you want the best for me because I'm your little guy. I wouldn't want it any other way, I'll always be your little guy. I know if I get the chance to have kids and be a father myself I know everything you taught me will make me the best man I can be. I hope my children look up to me as me, Sean, and Danny do. I know I don't thank you enough for everything you have done specially kicking my ass to do my medicines, But I am more thankful then you will ever understand dad.

Mom and Dad I truly love you both more then anything. Your my back bone and my hero's and always will be. No matter what happens we will always be together. We will always be a family. Thank you both for giving me the best.

There is joy in every day

These past months i been stressed, angry, and happy, about the support of the Benefit this Saturday. These past couple week's have made me realize how many people care for other's, and how they wish other people could be healthy like they are. There may be a lot of bad thing's in this world but behind the scenes there is a lot of good things and good people out there. I love my friends and family more then words and as weird as it sounds I love the gift of having this disease and i say that because i know i can handle it and try and give other's hope to stay strong and do what need's to be done. I hope everyone can look at each day they are here special and really mean it, because for other's it's such a struggle to wake up everyday knowing what is ahead of them and if that could be the last time they do wake up be even those people cherish everyday. Live each day with love and respect and joy. Be kind to strangers and be kind to your family and friends.

No second chance.

Through out life you meet so many people, but how about the one's that really make an impression in you're life? I noticed it's hard for young people to grasp how precious a person who cares about them are. It's hard to that as you get older you grow apart from people you think you wouldn't, but what hit me the most is how fast you can lose someone you know, in such a split second they can be gone and you will never see them again. You start to think of all the miss opportunity's with that person all the good time's you could have had. My message is that we should all be kind to everyone we know because even if we aren't close to them, if something ever happen to them we would miss them and wish we were close to them. Also try and hold on to the important people in you're life for as long as you can because they are there through it all and know you best. Life can sometimes be the most unfair thing we could think of, but that's what makes us stronger.

Good people in not the best days

Thing's are so different from what they used to be like, where back in the day's where you didn't have to lock you're door and you're kid's can play in the front yard. Not it seem's like there are risks every where. It frustrates me to see people be so careless of other's when you have people like me who try and help other's trying to make this world better. There are also a lot more rude and obnoxious people who don't think about other's. Today I had the privilege to talk to a kid who has a kind heart. His name is Jon Pieciak, i have never really talked to him before but he really has a good heart and mind. I makes me remember there are a lot of good people out there as well. I just wish like everyone else that people can have a clean heart and mind and do good not evil.

The love of the music.

There are many young artist trying to make something of themselves in this generation, the struggles are hard and it takes a lot of time and effort and a lot just don't quite make it. The question many people ask is what do you need to beome big? Well i asked a local rap artist Jon Pieciak aka JonEfect who answered saying " Having the heart to write and turn it into something real that people can relate to" Jon has grown up around music, his dad plays guitar and has been doing show's since he was little, so Jon had the love for music since he could practically talk. Jon try's to relate to other people and relaity so his songs make sense to people. As i was talking to Jon he added "your doing musically you dont have the heart and the passion

and even when you fall you have to get back up when even the people who dont like you tyr to hate and humiliate you

and you have to be yourself and talk about things that are true, and no be false what so ever

and connect with the people"

Jon has been working on a Album since Spring that he is hoping many people will give him a listen. I myself have listend to some of his song's, and for me not being a huge hip hop fan he has real talent. Jon hopes to become big just like any local artist but makes music for the love of it. In my opinion i think that's what will get him far. If you haven't listened to Jon check him out and give him a chance.

An open mind.

I'm starting this blog off with a question, the question is Do you ever wish you could go back in the past and maybe do something different? I know many of you will say yes, and I also would probably agree with you. We find that life is not fair sometimes but on the other hand we have so many thing's we are thankful for like a house and food and good friends and family that usually always support us even if we make a msitake big or small. We all wish that thing's could always go right for us and that we never miss the chances we had to take, but also try and rememeber if it weren't for time's such as those we would never learn to live in every moment we have. It's a lesson everytime and we will always have a new lesson to learn throught out live no matter how young or old you are. Another question I have is what do you live for everyday? When you look and ask yourself why does something have to happen to you or why I'm I here for? I strongly believe we all have purpose and you might not find out what that purpose is until you're very last day on earth but there is a reason for us all. My man idea always for everyone is to live with an open mind and a healthy heart. Learn to forgive and love and try and have peace. Live in every moment you have the oppertuinity, because don't forget we ALL only have one shot at this life, so let's really make it worth living.

Open your eyes

All of you who has been said you can't succeed your dreams, don't listen. You are who you are, and you have a purpose in this world, either small or big there is a reason your walking on this earth. Be determined show everyone you make your destiny, you make your future and pave your path of success and happiness. Life is far from easy for anyone, no one is perfect and we all fall at some point, but it's the determination you need to have to get back up but stronger. I can not guarantee anything but i can tell you that if you do what you know is best you will live the best life you can live. You will struggle at times you will want to give up, but you need to look towards the now and not the then part of life. Live for every moment, because not only could it be your last but we do live only one life that will eventually end, but in the end you would want to look back knowing you never missed out on something that could change your life for the best without you even expecting or knowing it. Live to love live to have fun live to laugh and live to cry. We are all human, we all have feeling's we all want to be happy.

Understanding

I always think why can't people understand the thing's I go through, not for the reason I want their sympathy but for them to understand I do go through a lot and that maybe I look healthy on the outside, that inside there is a war going on in my body. It's hard for me to explain to people how thing's are for me and for them to really understand. I know many of my friends try to understand but even though they will tell me they do, I know they don't and I'm starting to accept that it is okay they don't understand. What really matters is that they are there for me and support me in the battle I will have all my life, they accept that i am different as much as I wish i wasn't. As anyone with a disease I do sometimes get frustrated with some people not being able to understand how my life is, but I learn and will keep on learning to deal with that they won't understand unless they are living the life I do. It's easier and more helpful if you can try and talk to someone with the same problem as you though, even if you really don't like talking about thing's you will find talking to someone who is experiencing something like you are it will put thing's in a better aspect for you, you don't even have to talk about your disease just talking about anything is better then nothing. I talked to my good friend Josh Morgan, and I have never felt more comfortable talking to someone and we didn't just talk about hospital stays and visits we talked about all sorts of stuff and that in general made me feel a lot better. I urge all CFer's to try and talk to a fellow CFer. You will find it will make thing's better and life easier knowing there are people you can talk to and know they will understand what you go through. You should never bottle thing's up no matter who you are and if you even need help don't be afraid cause I do assure you talking to someone parents, a friend, or even a therapist will make life so much better and easier for you, It doesn't make you a coward it makes you stronger, stronger in accepting you need to talk and make your life better.

A cloudy day.

Today has been a real rainy and grey day, kind of bring's my mood down. I feel like day's such as these i find myself thinking more then usual about my life and where it's headed and the challanges I faced and still do face, they can sometimes bring me down, I also find my self wondering why do I need to go through so much stuff to keep myself healthy and alive when my friend's just need to eat right and excerise and they will be in tip top shape. With these thoughts I also find myself relizing that there is nothing I can do no matter how much i can complain and cry about it, it won't change the life that has been givin to me. When I have the thoughts I do, I also think about how many people care about me and how I can make a difference through my strength of acceptence. I believe that many people need to come to relize no matter who you are that life should be precious to us all, I have been in situations where I truely that it would be my last, and with that I have loved the life I live more and more each day. Everyday for anybody could be their last, which is why we all need to wake up and really grasp that you are here another day, and that is a gift, no matter the life you live you will have up's and down's but be happy you can live through those up's and down's, and be thankful to be able to walk outside and see the true beauty of nature. I live my life to help other because that is what i believe life should be like, helping other's that don't have the oppertunites we do and help them be just as thankful for being alive. Having Cystic Fibrosis I truely believe is small bump in my long life I have ahead of me and I will define the odd's and live past expectation, and i will do that also with a kind heart of careing for other's.

Today is a new day!

Doing home Intervenous antibiotics (IV's) has really been taking it's toll. My father went on Vacation with his fianace, even though he didn't want to go because he was worried about me doing my morning IV treatments on my own for the first time, But i assured him i would be okay and he left Tuesday until Thursday which well is today. It was hard waking up at 7 in the A.M. everyday to do them but i learned i need to grow up, as you get older with a disease such as Cystic Fibrosis (CF) you learn that responseabilty will be a big part of your life and how you deal with your disease, the feeling of accomplishment is greatest feeling. I will admit i lose that sense of focus specially around summer time when you feel most free from reality where you can do what you would like, but in all reality it's the same no matter what season is your health is your health and you need to stay as focused as you can on doing your medications, and you will be healthier for a longer period of time. I must say i did go astray this summer and was not so good on my medications but i payed the price by getting sick and needing to go in the hospital, now i'm stuck on home IV's which takes up some of my day that i could be enjoying if i didn't slack in the first place. Remember doing your medications will make your life easier and you will learn it really beats taking a little bit out of your day to stay healthy for months or even years.